Novelty song: A Petition from a Fan
Could someone with some talent perform this and post it to YouTube or something?

There are lots of legitimate reasons
For why videogames generally don't appeal to women
We just don't see the fun
In blowing people's heads off
And for protective gear, girl characters
sure show a lot of skin

But the Portal saga has none of these problems
The gameplay's advanced
And the dialogue is smart
And the gun only works if you use your brain with it
And the storyline's a film-grade piece of art

But if there's one thing that won the fangirls over
We all agree the lead male role is hot
He's funny, yet tormented
And he's got a British accent
Damnit, why'd they have to make him a robot?

Stephen Merchant, please take your shirt off
If you really want to make the laddies swoon
I know it's creepy to say, but this is all we have
We're nerds; we won't be getting some any time soon

I've read all the erotic fan fiction
All this weird shit relating to The Itch
But it just won't do
There's always something off about it all
Like why's he always fucking that mute bitch?

And I've looked at all the anthropomorphic fanart
But all that stuff is too off too
They always draw him average height
And that irks me 'cause I understand
Now that the one I'm attracted to is you

Stephen Merchant, please take your shirt off
If you really want to make the laddies swoon
I know it's creepy to say, but this is all we have
We're nerds; we won't be getting some any time soon

Your characters are always too candid with the girls
So they shoot you down and in the context, maybe they're right.
But for all the attempts,
You'd think it would work just once
And I'd have something to think about at night

You say you're always looking for a girlfriend
Well, we'd do anything for you, at least bedroom wise
But let's face the facts, I'm not going to meet you
And if I did, you'd probably turn me down
But can we at least get a little compromise:

Stephen Merchant, please take your shirt off
If you really want to make the laddies swoon
I know it's creepy to say, but this is all we have
We're nerds; we won't be getting some any time soon

Stephen Merchant, please take your shirt off
If you really want to make the laddies swoon
I know it's creepy to say, but this is all we have
Please just do it, we'd all be over the moon

(spoken)
Ha! Reference!

Stephen Merchant, please take your shirt off
If you really want to make the laddies swoon
I know it's creepy to say, but this is all we have
We're nerds; we won't be getting some any time soon!

(spoken fading out)
Oh, fuck it; I'm going to go watch that clip with the nuddie pen again. It was only a split second, but at least that had a shot of his ass, so that's something. You know it's really irritating; Karl got shirtless for wrestling, and Ricky just takes his clothes off for no reason at all, but of course the one I like never...